[OLD STEVE] [WORLD OF THE CONTENT] [THE RE-WRITTEN LIST] [LEVELS OF CONSCIOUSNESS] [THE THREE LEVELS]
CHAPTER 58.
In Concusion.
MY BIOGRAPHY.
1. There cannot be a true conclusion as this is my biography and not my autobiography, unless I am dead and someone has forgotten to tell me.
2. What do I look forwards to from the future? Nothing specific really! I am quite content with my lot and realise, as I am sure most people do as they get older that needs and wants change and mine have and I know that time is running out yet I have no fear of it ending. I had when I was younger as there was so much I wanted and had to do. I had to change the world and leave my mark but now things are so different. It is too late and I have changed nothing. In fact the effect that I have had on anything of importance is relative to the size of the hole you can leave behind, in a bucket of water, when you withdraw your hand. You can splash about all you want when your hand is in there but see how quickly it returns to normal with no evidence of you having ever been anywhere near it when you withdraw your hand. I am a firm believer that there is a time to die and not an age to die and I have not reached my time so I am happy to puddle on remembering that only fools hanker after things they cannot have. The wise and mature accepts what he can't change while working hard at that which he thinks he can. I suppose, to a certain extent, that perhaps I have run out of steam and there is now more that I cannot influence and less that I can; yet I still work very hard at those things that interest me. I suppose it is the degree of interest that may have changed.
3. I have made many mistakes and have many regrets from the past but none of them worry me anymore. I regret, but don't care, that I never turned out to be the aristocrat that my mother claimed for me but now with time on my hands and a PC perhaps I will, at some time in the future, seriously research my family background. You never know, I could be that long lost aristocrat or a direct descendent from Rasputin or a cousin to the Hunchback of Notre-Dame, then what would my grandchildren think?
4. When I thought of the next thing I also though you morbid bastard but please I am not.
5. When I die I will have no influence, what so ever, over what happens to me but if I can influence events a little bit I would like to be cremated with no religious ceremony or service and no one in attendance and my ashes scattered at sea, but if not there, in the sea I mean, in no known or marked grave. I have seen so much sorrow and grief, over the years, where people have felt an obligation to visit graves at such times as birthdays and the anniversaries of death and what have you, that I would hate to pass that on to anyone who may have a bit of affection for me. Yet I will accept and be happy with anything they choose for me because after all I will not be there. I will be gone at the point of death and will certainly not hang around for any funeral so any prayers and hymns will be a complete waste on me.
6. I am still a very lonely person and I still truly don't know why. I suppose that is just me.
7. I would have liked a closer and better understanding with all my family but that was destined not to be from a very early age and now it is far too late to even think about it.
8. I had a strange experience, not too long ago, that left me feeling odd and wondering if I had at last found an answer, well if not an answer, then perhaps to some extent an explanation, for my relationship with my father. There was a documentary programme on the Television about Modern Social History and they were interviewing survivors, in terms of age that is, from the period around and just after the First World War. They spoke of a time and mentioned specific places and what happened. They claimed that during the Second World War, in certain areas and villages up north, children collapsed and died of malnutrition and consumption where there were two and three children in a family and the father was away at war. At this time my Grandfather was away in the war, he ended up surviving the Battle of the Somme in 1916. My Grandmother was alone with three children who would have been aged from four to six or seven years old and they lived in a village mentioned in the television program. It was following that that I recalled on one very rare occasion that my father spoke of his past, he had said that he rarely went to school as they had to spend all their time on the Pit Slag Heaps scratching for coal to earn coppers so that they could all eat. I wonder, for if it is true then it answers a lot of questions. How do experiences like that leave you? Perhaps he just did not know how to do all the things, we as kids and me growing up, expected him to do. Perhaps from where he started and the direction my mother pushed him was all too much. Perhaps he just shut down and that is why I always felt so isolated from him. Perhaps all that is why I am who I am. I will never know the truth, which is sad, and there is so much I would like to have known and so many questions I would have liked answering. Perhaps, and perhaps can go on and on, that is why I seem to have blown certain important relationships in the past. Why relationships with Aunts, Uncles and Cousins all fizzled out and why, more recently, I have failed so miserably, in establishing a loving and close relationship with my daughter in law who, despite what she may feel or think, I still think a lot about and still hope that one day she will put her arms round my neck and call me Dad. She is, after all, the daughter I never had and she is the mother of my two lovely grandchildren, and my son thought she was good enough and that will do for me. Initially I blamed the fact that during her upbringing she had not had a good experience with the men in her mother's life and therefore, as far as she was concerned, I was no different from the rest. Whereas all I wanted to be was a good 'dad' and for us all to be a part of a happy family, my family, but now I can see that perhaps, that perhaps word again, it is my fault entirely. It is me that can't handle it. It is me that is doing everything wrong without realising it or knowing why. Isn't life a shit and I can do nothing about it because I don't know how too?
9. If I were to look back and try and summarise it all, how would I go about it? I would have to admit that I have never been truly and wholly successful at anything that I have attempted and probably never will be. But then perhaps I might compensate for that by quoting Napoleon Bonaparte, who said, 'My downfall raises me to great heights for if Christ had not been crucified then he would never have become God.' He also said, 'There is no greater infamy than that which remains in the minds of men.' I don't know where I fit into that quote but it sounds good.
10. I failed in my efforts to become a psychic, something I would dearly have loved to have been involved in. To have been a Uri Geller, if he is genuine, and bent spoons or made things move with my mind. To have had out of body experiences but above all else to have been a great healer and helped mankind much more than my feeble efforts as a psychologist and hypnotherapist. To have seen and communicated with ghosts, to have experienced UFO's, and understood crop circles and the likes.
11. I would also have dearly loved to find the meaning of life and wouldn't a lot of other people, but them aside? Who are we and what are we in the order of things? Why, in terms of time, are we here for such a small proportion and why do we have the intelligence to think about these things but don't not have the ability to find the solutions? Have we been before? Will we come again? If not why not? Why do we allow 'belief' to cloud our judgement and why as intelligent people do we allow religion to play such a big part when all major religions think they have the answers and those answers are in conflict with each other? Why do so many believe that if their parent chose to baptise them into a particular religion then that makes them so superior to the rest? The only difference between people, in terms of religions, comes about the result of which particular sect your parents belonged to and which one they chose to baptise you into. All baptism and similar rights of initiation into religious cults are all man made and come from a man made God that man chose to turn into a nice little earner. The church, any church, is the only organisation that promises something you cannot see and that they cannot produce and from which their salesmen (clergy) deduct a nice little commission from contributions made and head office banks the rest after spending a large proportion on fancy regalia and area sales offices (churches) from which to promote their business. They are based on fear and superstition and prop everything up with the most intangible of all assets, belief.
Now before anyone comes down on me like a ton of bricks because they 'believe' that they are right, because their 'God' tells them so, let me remind them that I am only expressing an opinion that is very much my own and I will be the first to say 'sorry' if ever I find myself along side them and in that long queue outside the Pearly Gates where all those better than me are up at the front. Who wants to spend eternity dressed in a white frock and with wings and a harp? I can't even play the comb and paper so that is me out of the main orchestra. In the meantime please use a little of that intelligence that we are so proud to shout about and ask yourself, 'Would this world, that we don't deserve to live in, not be a better place without religion?' Of course it wouldn't as long as your particular one was the predominant one and all the rest accepted that they were inferior. I rest my case and look forward to the 'nothingness' that my 'beliefs' offer me. Who wants to go to 'heaven' and meet up again with all the rubbish that has gone before you? Sorry, not me.
12. I would also like to know why, as very intelligent human beings, we elect sick leaders at every level and then sit back and take everything they hand out to us?
I would like to know why no one came along and invited me to sort it all out?
Ouch!
13. There are also many other questions I could pose and many answers that I continue to seek but perhaps some are not meant to be asked, and many of those asked will never be answered, as it is impossible to answer so much. A typical example of this type of thing being the one so often posed to me by many people, when I am out on the boat, and they enquire what it is like to be brave and a hero? Well I am not brave and never have been, despite what they may think and I am certainly not a hero. I am an ordinary sort of guy who did a particular type of job when the opportunity arose and so to meet their question and answer it as fairly and honestly as I can, I find myself saying, 'I am neither a hero or a brave man but I have had the honour and privilege of serving with many who are.'
14. If I can leave this world after having spread a little more happiness than I have caused hurt, harm or ill-feeling, than I ask for nothing more.
15. So on that happy note let me say that I propose to add to this biography for as long as I can and that there is a lot that I have missed out, as to include it would have involved people who may not have been too pleased to be included, and by the same token there is a lot that I could have included but which would have probably, if it hasn't already, bored you, the reader, to death but for the moment let me end as I started:
I HAVE WRITTEN THIS LEGACY FOR MY SON AND MY
GRANDCHILDREN AND POSSIBLE FUTURE GENERATIONS,
YET TO COME. IT IS A POOR LEGACY BUT IT IS ALL I HAVE.
My claim to the aristocracy, as bestowed upon me by my mother, is not yet complete.
There will be more.
So watch this space.
Please e-mail (steve.scarborough@ic24.net) particularly if you find spelling mistakes as the system I am using (My brain) seems to have a mind of it's own when it comes to spelling etc.
My thanks to those who alraedy have. It is much appreciated.
I am involved in some entirely different Web Sites, more of which will come later, but in the meantime if you would care to look at them, please go to:-
